Best we draw a veil over this one — Philippines FC ran riot, 1–6.

On the scoresheet: Ted.

Man of the Match? No argument: Ted. File this under 'pure cinema' — Ted's debut goal. He'll dine out on that for months.

Predictably, someone had to spoil the fun. This week's Donkey 🫏 goes to Sam nutmegging Craig and playing in the oppo to score. Somebody check he's okay.

The football was just the warm-up; The Cock Inn was the main event.