Horsed FC

Tom/Matt for both being next to the ball and both acting like it was a landmine and leaving it for the other one

Jack M/James for, to quote Adam: “That fucking catastrophe of a goal between them two”

Jack - the post saw more of his balls than his missus ever has

Jack for prioritising his Mrs over Horsed FC (and Nikki for having a birthday on a Tuesday)

Matt and Ryan for poor choice of clothing items…. Ryan for choosing to wear a thick woollen top in a 30 degree heatwave and Matt for having no football boots so wore trainers

Eddie for trying to lob the keeper from the halfway line….successfully did this… but also lobbed the nearby neighbourhood

Adam — their player did some retarded kick to him…. and Adam decided to out retard him by doing an even more retarded kick back

Dan's first kick of the game chipping 2 foot off the ground and going straight to their striker

Dan and Eddie squabbling like a pair of school girls in a playground

James misplaced a corner, which luckily fell to Adam who yeeted his shot into orbit

Dan gift wrapping the ball to Big John, who hit it so hard it went into the multiverse

Ash for being sick "just a little bit" next to the goal

Dan for conceding from the halfway line, his excuse for not moving his leg out of the way being 'I'm tired'

Jack M for getting sat down like a toddler wanting his dummy, then watching the ball lobbed over him

Matt for storing his child in a hockey net whilst he played

Chris for turning up with two right boots

Isaac for scoring an own goal within two minutes

Jack for missing three easy chances

James for not coming to the pub as he was painting the guttering

Jack for managing to sky the ball over the trees

Eddie for losing against the wind after 15 seconds and shouting "Oh it's quite difficult running into the wind"

Ash for turning a shot off target into a goal with a perfect Cruyff turn into the net

Eddie for hitting the Artemis II space shuttle with his shooting

Matt for taking one calendar year to leave the pitch after subbing off

Ash for doing the worm as we were kicking off

everyone

the ref for not spotting their player running so far in the box it was nearly an OG

Dan for confusing the shirts and passing to the players in white

Matt for tickling the D by passing the ball to the edge of the D rather than to James, falling perfectly for their player

Adam for getting two sin bins in one game for the same foul in the same place

Ash for doing the hard work by getting down to the shot but then allowing it to go through his arms. Jack for passing to a More Horsed player on the other pitch

James for lubing his nips and them still bleeding after the game

James for bleeding from both tits at the end of the game

Ash for giving the ball to their striker... and doing exactly the same thing 3 seconds later

Dan for cunting the ball at Adam's head from two yards away

Ash for turning up to a football game dressed as a gay bank robber

Eddie for controlling it with his face when he would have been through

Jack for getting sin binned for saying a swear word, then getting sent off for refusing to go off and then kicking the goal post when he went off

Wally with the Brolly Mary Poppins O'Kelly running to the game with his brolly open

Dan for getting sent off and threatened with being escorted off the premises for calling the ref a blind wanker

Chris for getting tripped over by Casper the Ghost nowhere near the ball

James for blowing his nose as Eddie put him 1 on 1 and then Eddie shouting "James, stop blowing your fucking nose"

Chris for taking a seat in the middle of the pitch

Dan / Jack: Dan for punting the ball above Jack's head multiple times, and Jack having a strop and catching the ball, narrowly avoiding a sin bin

Eddie for getting sent off for cuddling a child

the ref for giving a foul against Jack for a slide tackle on himself when he had the ball at his feet

Ash for passing the ball to Adam 3 metres away, but it taking 28 minutes to get there

Jack for then missing the chance after sending them for hot dogs

Jack for missing two of the easiest 1-on-1s Park House has ever seen

Dan for blaming his defence (again) and then letting in a slow motion howler like Massimo Taibi

Ash for the one time he touched the ball he tripped over it and fell on his £8k camera

James - first kick of the game hit the ball with the wrong foot and played them in. Adam - getting caught in 3 minds but chose the 4th option and just gave it to them

Ash for slipping on the ball and continuing to roll on it for a further 3 miles

Chris for fumbling the ball out of play with nobody around him

Dan for going on holiday

Ash for posting a horrendous pouting photo on Strava

the oppo striker continually lifting up his shorts

Adam's god awful attempt at a flick

Dan's head loss after conceding a penalty and kicking the ball away in 'frustration'

Dan for being our top scorer this week with two own goals

the Malta trio for not being able to run

Chris for nearly missing the game by locking himself in his own car

Chris for crossing the ball into Eddie's testicles

the ref for informing us before the game that the opposition were allowed to swear at him because they're "uneducated"

Steve for getting nutmegged, and also hoofing the ball into the goal on the other pitch

Dan for doing a 1-2 with his left and right foot which rolled to their striker

Eddie for missing a penalty

their best player for swan diving and claiming a penalty when Steven didn't touch him

Ash for passing the ball straight to their striker for him to tap it into an open goal

Dan for giving a Dan excuse as we were about to pick him up

Adam for eating dirt after kicking their player and them scoring from it

Jack for tripping over his laces and fucking up his elbow

Dan for replacing Chris's head as he hoofed it at him from a goal kick

their keeper for randomly picking it up outside the area and giving us a penalty

James R Kelly for having his pants pulled down by a child putting the ball through his legs

Dan for having a big strop mid-game

Jack for trying his best to give them a penalty for passing back to Dan twice

Ash for getting tripped over by Casper the Ghost

Steven for missing a clear open goal

Eddie for attempting a rainbow kick and passing it to nobody because Craig said he wouldn't be able to

Ash for wearing shin pads and no socks

Matt for not showing up and not messaging

Jack for telling Ben the wrong time for his game

Chris for taking an awful free kick that went out for a goal kick... then the ref gave it as a penalty

the ref for trying to send Jack off for: A) thinking about fouling someone B) Passing the ball back 3 yards at 2mph And then revoking the red card for realising he was being a massive cunt

Steven for his shanked shot on the edge of the area

Dan for shouting "stop shooting straight at the fucking keeper"

Aiden for not scoring but running off the pitch with the ball

Dan for being a pussy ass bitch and not playing when he was just sat at home

Adam for being a fucking Turk

the ref for giving the world's worst penalty decision

Steven for hoofing the ball out the front gate because he needed a rest

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Chris for not turning up due to 'traffic'

Ash for his assist for their first goal

Ash for creating a great opportunity and then fumbling it past the post

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Eddie for nearly sabotaging us with a near-miss of an own goal

Matt for being a no-kit wanker

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Dan's howler for their second goal - officially an OG

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Matt for not showing up without any warning

Chris for this interaction with the ref: Ref: "White ball, goal kick" Chris: "It's a fucking white ball" Ref: Yes, I know. That's why I said white ball"

Adam trying to make it a closer game by slotting one in the bottom corner of our goal with his knee

Dan for flicking a pea-roller out for a corner after falling over

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Steven for scoring two worldies into the hockey goal

Jack for working and missing the game

Jack and Dan - Jack for missing 3 one-on-ones and Dan for his general shoddy distribution

Jack for having a strop and hoofing it against the fence after a shite first touch

Dan for hoofing it off the pitch when Aiden and Jack would have been clean through

Dan's slice into the woods when he was 'clearing his lines'

Steven for missing the best opportunity of his life

the ref for trying to give penalties left, right, and centre. All against Steven

Josh for letting in a pea-roller

James for leaving the pitch to have a drink when Adi was clean through on goal

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Ash for injuring himself doing a random overhead kick in the middle of the pitch (and for wearing a baseball cap all game)

James for scooping the ball to the keeper like he worked at an ice cream parlour

Dan's howler of a save for their first goal

Steven's shot that ended up in Reading when Jack and Adam were free

James for going 3 miles into the box and giving away a penalty

Dan for hoofing the ball at James from 2 yards away

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Adam for fucking up on the edge of the area leading to a goal

Andy for taking a throw in and kicking the ball further out than in

Jack for nearly scoring a ridiculous headed own goal in the last minute

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Mark for coming on with 2 mins to go and leathering it into the woods from the halfway line, twice

Ash for going in the box... and then chasing further into the box

James for taking a throw in and the ball not coming on the pitch, and then saying "Sorry I'm still learning"

Matt for not showing up and not messaging

Matt for leaving his boots behind (twice)

James for fumbling over the ball and injuring himself

Mark for talking to the refs the whole game and not playing

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Ash for passing straight to a bloke from a goal kick who scored

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No donkey

Steven for his swing and miss

Mark for continuously hoofing the ball miles away for a throw in

Jack for kicking the fence and stropping for about 10 minutes

Aiden for dropping out last minute

James for slicing it out with his left foot and laughing

No donkey

No donkey

Bayly "Keep it in Bayly"... just hoofs it out

George for turning up at half time wearing Vans on a wet pitch, and asking the opposition who was on his team

Bayly for shooting from his own half when Jack & Mark were in

Mark for scoring an own goal from the halfway line

No donkey

Bayly - for trying to do a one-two and donkey controlling it off the pitch

Ash - for saying he'd go in goal and ditching us two hours before kick off. NO LOYALTY

Fonz - for running the length of the pitch at 2-2 with 15 seconds left

No donkey

Fonz - for nearly throwing it into his own net when it was going wide

James for scoring an own goal

Fonz - for letting in at least 10 howlers

Mark - getting pissed off and hoofing the ball out for a corner

Ash - letting a stupid goal in that he thought was going wide